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Friday, March 4, 2011

"Because Crime doesn't sleep, Neither can I" - Punisher Comparrions (Launguage alert)

God why must the Thomas Jane version keep popping up when I mention The Punisher. This actually annoys me, being a comic book geek and proud of it, to hear that the Thomas Jane version is better than Punisher War Zone. Whoa, rewind that shit up. I heard someone say that when they reviewed Punisher War Zone, they said that because Thomas Jane brought sympathy to the role and created a Punisher that everyone can feel sorry for. I don't remember the Punisher I grew up reading being cute and fucking cuddly, unless you count a 50 year old ugly Italian guy covered in blood, a knife in one hand and a dead criminal in the other. That's right, that's the Punisher. He isn't cute, cuddly or sympathetic. He's a man who lost his family and the last bit of his sanity, or he saw how corrupted the law system is and believes in absolute justice. It's debatable on the mind set of Frank Castle, but that's beside the point. Frank Castle is an Italian guy who served three terms in Vietnam, became an army drill instructor. He was a devout family man, had a beautiful wife, a daughter and a son. One day they go for a picnic in Central Park and by accident, witness a mob execution. The mob members not wanting witness' proceed to open fire on them. Whether you call it fate, luck, or how twisted Garth Ennis is, Frank awakens with minor wounds. His wife dead, his son missing pieces of his head and his daughter slowly dying in his arms from a gun shot wound to the stomach. When the police can't do anything due to the mob buying their way out of being prosecuted, the first thing Frank does is go home and his old war weapons and hunts down every single one of those involved in the shooting. Thus the Punisher is born.




The Punisher is NOT a 30 year old former FBI personnel, who goes for a family reunion/retirement party where his ENTIRE family is wiped out. His dad, mom, aunt, uncles, ect. No no no no no, that's called Hollywood bullshit. He didn't sit in an apartment for a week, drinking(in the comics Frank doesn't drink because he's too busy and he needs to remain alert at all times) listening to Broken by Seether. No that is not the Punisher, that's called Hollywood trying to get a larger base to see the movie. Especially women. The minute that movie came out, women where lining up outside comic book stores to buy issues of The Punisher, but quickly put the books down as soon as they saw the real Punisher. A 50 year old war vet, ugly as hell, covered in scars and ready to kill. This is one of the biggest reasons why I prefer Marvel over DC, DC always makes their characters poster models, while Marvel bases their characters in realism. . . somewhat, they are fictional characters. Wolverine for one, in the comcis Wolverine is 5'1, hairy as hell, friggen muscular and ready to go at any moment. He does NOT look like Hugh Jackman; but I digress.



Another thing the Punisher does not do, is manipulate his opponents . He doesn't set up the wife and the best friend and force the guy to kill them. Fuck that, the Punisher gets all fucking medieval. He finds out where they live, takes a few uzi's, .45's, and a shot gun; suits up and sets out. Being a former marine, he assess' the situation on site and comes up with the best plan. Infiltrates and executes. He gets shit done in absolute.



Oh, and Frank will never attempt suicide unless he's killed an innocent child. As soon as Frank avenged his family, he didn't go back home and start drinking and hold a gun up to his chin. No, he went home put on his outfit and set out, as in his own words: "To make the wolrd sane again." That's The Punisher, a hard as nails, ugly ex marine who was pushed to the edge. Not a pretty boy who tortures people with a Popsicle. Hell no! He would actually use the blow torch on the guy then put one in his head after he finished telling Frank exactly what he needed to know.



Punisher War Zone captured that, they copied the store straight out of the comics. The origin, the character and the action. Everything, right down to his assistant Mirco-Chip. Alot of critics have been going on about the gore level in the movie, to which I once again say: read the fucking comic book! This isn't Batman where a Beretta puts a small hole in your head. No, the Punisher comics implement the true power of a gun. A head shot tears your head to friggen pieces. To the people that prefer the Thomas Jane version, fine just don't complain about Punisher War Zone when you have never read an issue of the comic before in your life. Marvel stepped in made the movie exactly like the comic, and I hope they make a sequel because Ray Stevenson was the perfect choice as Frank Castle. Keep on shining Ray!





Punisher 2004 gets .5 ludicrous gun battle sequences out of 5.





Punisher War Zone gets 4 amazing head shots and one rocket launcher out of 5.





If you can't swallow that, then sit down and read an issue of the comic before you start bitching about why the Thomas Jane version is better when all it is is epic Hollywood bullshit.

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"Who Watches the Watchmen?" - Watchmen Movie Review

What is a superhero? What would it be like if superheroes were real and integrated into culture?




Welcome to the world of Watchmen.



The year is 1985, Nixon has been elected for a third term and Russia is invading the Middle East with ease. Tensions are high, the Doomsday clock is 5 to Midnight and society is collapsing under itself. In the midst of all this a former Watchmen is murdered.



From there a conspiracy begins to go into motion and the only Watchmen still active, Rorschach, is the only one investigating. Believing that someone is targeting costumed heroes, he goes to warn all the Former Watchmen.



That's the summary of the plot of this wonderful movie based on the graphic novel of the same name by Alan Moore (V for Vendetta, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), which reinvents the way we look at the superhero. A plot with a deep meaning, many twists and lots of character development Watchmen is one of the best, if not the best, comic book movie I've ever watched. Let's break this down shall we?



None of the characters except for Dr. Manhattan, has any powers. As much as I enjoy Spider-man, X-Men and all those other comic books about characters with powers I found Watchmen far more interesting. Alan Moore has stated that Watchmen are REAL superheroes(Except for Dr. Manhattan, he got his molecules pulled apart and reassembled himself) which means that it makes the characters more believable. The philosophy of the characters is also brilliant and truly entertaining to experience. From Rorschach only believing in black and white and dealing absolute, from Dan representing how bleak most heroes are out of their costume to Dr. Manhattans lack of humanity, and The Comedian representing the true face of the American Dream. The last time I was watching characters this deep I was playing the Metal Gear Solid series. I believe Zack Snyder to be a very artistic director and the perfect choice to direct Comic Book movie adaptations. The movie is 85 % accurate to the Novel, leaving out anything that diverts from the main story and switching minor details around; it was still amazing to watch.



Two performances were above the rest, Jeffery Dean Morgan as The Comedian and Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. Jeffery Dean Morgan( Played the main characters father in Supernatural) becomes The Comedian perfectly and accurately, even if he's only in small flashback scenes.



On the other hand, Jackie Earle Haley IS Rorschach. I believe he did an even BETTER job than Heath Ledger as The Joker, and that was the only thing I liked out of The Dark Knight. The man put everything into this roll and it payed off. From his haunting performance in the Prison scene to his stand off with Dr. Manhattan in the antarctic.



The story for Watchmen follows a broken path, much like Pulp Fiction, it will move along and then go into a flashback fleshing out the characters, it does throughout the movie until the climatic showoff at the end of the movie. Also, if you were expecting balls out action(as with most superheroes movies) look else where, Alan Moore believed in telling a story with it's characters rather than have random explosions and Zack Synder honors this in the movie, while he does add two extra fight scenes, it still plays out like the Novel. Like I said, this movie is 85 % accurate.



Some people didn't like this movie, lack of action, 'No Plot'(Which kills me whenever someone says that), to Dr. Manhattan walking around nude. . . . . The man basically has become God, he's detached and withdrawn, he doesn't care for things like clothes because he no longer sees the importance. As for no plot. . . . were we watching the same movie? There was a plot, a plot that kept twisting, and the plot was finding out who was organizing the attacks on costumed heroes, which is a pretty straight forward plot, but it's delivery is sound and it has so many twists that it keeps you watching till the end.



Lack of action. . . (Profanity Alert) WHAT THE FUCK?! Have we reverted to neanderthals? All we want is explosions and explosions to tell a story? A climatic CGI orgasm in which half a block is ruined?. . . . actually that happens in Watchmen. I just think it's bullshit, a good story doesn't necessarily need a whole bunch of pointless fight scenes. Sometimes it's good but for a story like Watchmen that has been given a lot of thought, filling it to the rim with action is just pointless fan service.



For the action scenes that Watchmen does have, it's brilliant though. It's choreographed amazingly and everyone fights nice, and there are some slow motion pieces(Not in all of them just two) it shows you the moves perfectly.





The movie is about Ideology and the changing of times, what does a superhero stand for and how society is when it comes to interacting with one another.



You either didn't like this movie because it hit a bit too close to home in terms of yourself in society. Can't think. Or needs a whole bunch of action scenes to get aroused.



Watchmen gets 4.5 bloody smiley face buttons out of 5. 4.5 because they could have put more information in, sure the movie is 2.5 hours long but it doesn't feel like that, not like The Dark Knight which was TOO long.



"What happened to America? What happened to the American Dream?" - Dan Drieberg/ Nite Owl



"What happened to it? You're lookin' at it! It came true!" - Edward Blake/ The Comedian



"Rorschachs Journal, October 13th 1985 -The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No." - Walter Kovacs/ Rorschach



"There don't seem to be that many laughs around these days." - Laurie Jupiter/ Silk Spectre



"What do you expect? The Comedian's dead." - Dan Drieberg/ Nite Owl

"I'm the best there is at what I do, unfortunatly this isn't it" - X-Men Origins: Wolverine quick review

Time and time again I've been disappointed with comic book movies. From Batman to Spiderman, none of them have been quite right. Sin City, Hellboy and Watchmen have been the only spot on comic book movies. I'm a huge nerdy shut in and I take friggen pride in that so when a project I'm a fan of is announced I'm excited. Then along cam X-Men Origins Wolverine.




Wow, why the eff to begin. While it does have the basics of ol' Wolvie's origin they sold out for Hollywood BS. First off, Wolverine and Sabretooth are not brothers. No, shit they aren't even related. Yes Wolverine was born in 19th century Canada and had freaky bone claws. No, he did not fight any wars for America; he fought for Canada all the way. Yes, he hooked up withe a native chick named Silver Fox(Kayla). No, she wasn't the sister of Emma Frost nor a sympathetic character.



If I could describe how I felt about this movie it would be mixed. There is one thing about this movie that infuriates me and that is Wade 'Deadpool' Wilson. Don't get me wrong, Ryan Reynolds is a kick ass actor when he's given the right roles. In the beginning he was Wade Wilson but Deadpool seemed to be absent from the movie, instead Wolverine runs into Baraka from Mortal Kombat and the two duke it out for the Earth realm with Shao Kahn watching. No, that's not how it really goes; that's just a badly written fanfic. They did make Deadpool look like Baraka though, I'm getting very tired of Hollywood stepping in and trying to make things epic. All they do is fail, like my last relationship. If you were to actually sit down and read the real story you'd realize they're fine the way they are and have no need to be altered. Wolverine has always had a soft side but he did not go get adamantium in him cause of some girl. He was forced against his will, brainwashed and turned into a killing machine until a small portion of memories came back. Then he busts out and leave behind a ruined rampage.



This movie wasn't all bad, I've warmed up to Hugh Jackman as Wolverine although he does need to bring in the actual animal side Logan has in the comics. Liev Schieber was a decent Sabretooth, but I don't remember Sabretooth being that human. Ryan Reynolds, as stated, was awesome as Wade Wilson when he was introduced but then he gets turned into an oompa loompa on a massive acid trip after having to watch the Dark Knight over and over again. Honestly the bile that began to spew from my mouth was stronger than Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks. Speaking of Chuck Norris, the only thing that was truly epic was the soundtrack, Composed by Harry Gregson-Williams who composed the music for Metal Gear Solid 2, 3, and 4. Even if it was played while Hugh Jackman was flying off from an explosion to his next 5 minute destination. Before being followed by yet another explosion.



Wow, I have almost nothing sarcastically funny to say about the movie. It's got me that bored, good popcorn movie but a good Marvel movie? Fuck no! I've seen Soap Opera's that have better twists than this. Save yourself some time and money and pick a copy of Hulk Vs. it has a better explanation of how Logan got his adamantium, plus it has the real Deadpool in, throwing a grenade down Hulk's throat. That's defiantly for the win.



X-Men Origins Wolverine gets 2.5 popped claws out of 5. Hugh Jackman shall also have to live down the fact many drooling women saw his bare ass.



If some you think I should relax because I should be upset that they changed stuff you need to stfu. If Harry Potter fans and Twilight fan can twist they panties in a bunch until they legally have a dick I can bitch about Wolverine.

"I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover, I'm a Saint, I'm a Mother" - Metroid: other M review

Wow, ooo boy. This game. Where to begin, I guess I should start from the beginning of it all. See, Metroid was released in 1986 as a platforming/exploration game with you playing as(not known till the end of the game) a woman. GASP! Eye knw rite?! It was new, refreshing and inspirational at the time, it showed that not all space marines and explorers had to be James T. Kirk. Growing up on Metroid, I enjoyed the idea (even though I was going through my girls have cooties phase) and Samus Aran quickly became my all time favorite video game lady. I've followed every Metroid game that was released since I was first introduced to her ( except for that Metroid Pinball, the heck is up with that?) and I've enjoyed every single one. Then, at long last, we have Metroid Other M. Taking ques from the Metroid manga that was released a few years back, it promised to delivers Samus' past and finally give her a speaking role. How does that turn out? $%?*$*?&*?$*(&*()$&($*!!! That's how it turns out.

The game was developed by Team Ninja, turning it into Ninja Gaiden light but I'll get into that in a minute. I want to talk about the story and charactization first. Enter Yushio Sakamoto, the co-creator of the Metroid series. The man admits that while writing Other M, he didn't know what kind of personalitiy Samus should have, so rather than read the Chozo lore from the Prime series, or even read the manga he gives her a new characterization that contradicts her previous incarnations. Samus was out spoken, brave, independant, and compassionate. She was also brooding, scarred and hurt. She balanced all of these in the manag and it's all brushed upon in the Prime trilogy. In Other M? She's obediant, quiet and dependant. Yushio tries to show that she had a traumatic past but it doesn't work here, especially since this game is right after Super Metroid. By that point in the story, Samus had over come her personal tragedy in the first Metroid and was moving on with her life. That is, if you played Zero Mission AND read the manga. She overcomes her fear of Ridley and guns him down (quite brutually) in the Manga and Zero Mission, then goes onto encounter him several times after. When the two meet in Other M, Yushio tries to show that Ridley had caused some kind of childhood trauma on Samus (he killed her parents when she was 3), but like I said, at this point she has fought and beaten him several times and story wise, overcome her fear of him. Then we come to her past, in the game Samus left because she wasn't allowed to save her comanding officers, Adam Malkovich, brother. In her frsuteration at him left. In Metroid Pirme and the manga, she left BECAUSE the military was holding her back from helping, stationing her away from any known space pirate outposts, frusterated, she leaves and becomes a bounty hunter who openly allows herself to be employed by the federation, still working with them but not constricted to them. See the pattern? Yushio has offically contradicted his own character. Don't get me started on the dependancy she exhibits through the game, only wondering continously what Adam would say or do and then having to snap out of her 'Dear Diary' moment because she just cost the life of one of the soliders with her. This is what Yushio expects me to believe was the woman behind the suit? This twilight characterization? Contrary to what Movie Bob said in his blogpost, all these things listed do not make her human. Yes, she has fears, she has a growing doubt about herself, but unlike American Comics, she progressed overtime and grew up. In Other M, she's done the opposite. Instead being the child she was at the beginning of Zero Mission and the manga. Fusion had a much better characterization of her, so I find it surprising that Yushio could quickly contradict her so much. All her development is gone, her past is stripped down and she's no longer the strong woman who was depicted as in Prime and the manga. She's so dependant on those around her, she doesn't even express her own opinion; just th reflection of what Adam might think or how Anthony was feeling. No, this doesn't humanize Samus, it stereotypes her. She's no longer the symbol of humanity overcoming their own emotional limitations despite gender and stature. No, this is turning her into a 50's housewife. It saddens me greatly, to see one of my all time favorite characters miss handled by her very own co-creator.

Enough about the story, it's depressing me. Let's get onto the gameplay. Unfortunantly this won't take long as it's just like Ninja Gaiden but instead of sword slashing; you're shooting. There is still some exploration but like Samus, it's watered down. The paths are linear and there isn't as much back tracker. Instead you move forward and wait for Adam to let Samus know her 'place', and you get a weapon. The levels are varied in design though, depecting a beautiful space station with many different enviroments. From a large corridor to a Norfair rip off, to a jungle wilderness, the details and graphics are beautiful and depict the areas very wall. Sure, the framerate drops at certain places but it doesn't take away that this is a gorgeous looking wii game. The gameplay is fast, giving Samus the ability to dodge, making the player stay on his or her toes. Although there is a lock on feature, it's broken. Trying to aim at an enemy that isn't the closest to you is like trying to convince Christopher Nolan to stop treating movie goers like idiots. You can mow down enemies quickly, but they attack you faster, especially if they're farther away from you which seems broken to me. You have take downs ala God of War, but you don't have to spam the circle button to complete said take down. You just walk up and attack at point blank and you see Samus whirlybird the enemy out of exsistance. Of course, switching to first person to shoot missles is even more broken and destroys the quick pacing that the gameplay offers. If you were going to put a first person mode in, why not just make the WHOLE game first person? It worked in Metroid Prime.

Much like the story, Other M's gameplay destroys itself. What could have been good, quickly throws away it's own potenttial. The pacing in gameplay is broken and ruins quick feel the game gives you, the exploration is watered down and the platforming is trick to do with an annoying camera level. The story tries to rip off Hideo Kojima and contradicts other media that presents Samus in a much better and human light. If another Metroid game is made, then leave Yushio Sakamoto out of the writing process.

Metroid Other M gets 1.5 biological clock is ticking references made in the story out of 5.

To end my depression I'm having a full weekend of Metroid Prime. That'll cheer me right up, in fact just thinking about Metroid Prime has put a smile on my face.

What do the voices tell you Mr. Clarke? - Dead Space 2 review

So, how do you make a sequel to horror survival game that caught everyone in a dark alley? A game that prided on the isolated feeling of space? That claustraphobic feeling that creeps in you? That no help is coming, you have no military experiance and it's up to you to stop thousands of mutated corpses from going wild? Simple, you give it the Aliens treatment and make the mian character tell them all to get away before calling them bitches. Enter Dead Space 2. It's been three years since we saw Isaac Clarke on board the USG Ishimura, stomping and slicing his way to get to saftey and find his love interest, Nicole. In his way are the bodies of all the crew of the Ishimura. Mutated into creatures called Necromorphs, thanks to a mysterious artifact that the government wants to study and a religon worships. Isaac went through hell to find Nicole, but in the end he found out she was dead; and the artifact (called The Marker) had affected his mind, making him hallucinate. Since the chilling cliff hanger ending, everyone wanted to know what happened to Mr. Clarke and now, in Dead Space 2, we find out.


3 years later, Isaac awakes to find himself on a space colony called the Sprawl and a new Necromorph infection spreading. It's up to Isaac to get to the bottom of it all and survive another onslaught, all the while battling his own thoughts of guilt and the visions the marker imprinted into his mind.


All caught up? Good. Now let's move onto the most important thing in a game: gameplay. As you might expect, the core gameplay is still the same. It's a third person shooter, as all horror survival games should be. Thank you Resi 4. You hit the the shoulder buttons to aim and shoot, and without aiming Isaac will begin his stomping and back handing melee attacks. The stasis and kinesis add ons return, actually becoming useful in this one. In the first Dead Space, I'll admit I hardly used any of them. Stasis lets you slow down anything from objects to enemies. While Kinesis lets you grab far off objects, hover them in front of you and then fling them away, implaling enemies or transporting giant duracel batteries to grabbing health packs and ammo you can't reach. Other than the occasional enemy or far off item, I didn't use them but in Dead Space 2? You NEED to use them. Enemies are faster, items are all over and for the first 20 minutes of the game all you have on you is your kinesis moduale. Don't get me started on the velocaraptors( not actual raptors but they sound like them and you get a trophy\achievment that references Jurassic Park when you first encounter them). Stasis and Kinesis saved my life in this game and it adds more variety. In Dead Space, Stasis and Kinesis were simple tools that were forgetable till later in the game for about 10 minutes. In Dead Space 2, they help determine an implaed necromorph or Isaac missing his jaw. The weapons from DS1 return, along with some new comers. Personal favorite, the force gun. That thing is DANGEROUS. All the weapons have balance this time around, making them more grounded but also more interesting. I found myself actually switching weapons more and more, as opposed to just gunning it with the plasma cutter. The suits have been upgraded and have the Iron Man approach to technology. The helmets click on and they have thrusters now, so in zero-g you are in control and aren't flying around aimlessly, only to miss where you needed to go. The only downside is the exploration/backtracking from DS1. The areas in DS2 are diverse enough that it's not too big a problem, but I would have loved to be able to explore more of the Sprawl.

Now let's take a look at the characters. First up of course, is the mian character: Isaac Clarke. This time around he speaks, and you know what? It was amazing. Isaac doesn't talk too much, and his dialouge isn't cheesy and he doesn't feel like a horror story cliche either. He's kind, and willing to help. Brave but has his limits and he isn't afraid to voice his disdain or annoyance with a person or a situation. In other words, rather than take the Metroid Other M approach and stereotype the character, they made Isacc human. Another character, Stross, is in the medical ward that Isacc starts off in; he's mostly in the game for 'wtf do I have to do? That? Really?. . . crap.' He's a great conrast to Isacc, something you'll learn when you play the game. One more character, Ellie, runs into Isaac half way through the game and just like Isacc characterization, she's grounded and human. She wants to survive but doesn't want to leave people behind; she's afraid to be betrayed though. In the end, her and Isaac team up and these two quickly helped DS2 become even better than it already was. Each playing off of eachother, it really showed their characters. Great job on the writing Visceral. Just please, don't pull an Alien3 with them. You know 'that' move. Yeah that, don't do that. I would delve into more characters but it would end up being a spoiler review. Let's just say that Isaac encounters other people and if you want to find out what happens to them. PLAY THE GAME!!


I played a bit of the multiplayer, it was fun but didn't really grab me. I'm not really into multiplayer, but I tend to keep an open mind about it. DS2 multiplayer had potential though, and hopefully with some DLC it'll expand. Maybe some story co-op? That would be sweet. That's wishful thinking for a spin-off or, hopefully, a sequel. The multiplayer is pretty simple, it's kind of a capture the flag type gameplay that quickly turns into a hold your ground till the timer reaches zero, there is customization in the suits and it does let you play as the necromorphs but like all multiplayer that gets tacked onto a single player focused video game, it's limited in levels.

Dead Space gets 4.5 force gun blasts to the face, out of 5. Keep 'em coming Visceral, you guys know how to do horror. Also, about the complaint of Dead Space 2 not being as scary as the first.. . . that's kinda the point to me. We, the player, along with Isaac already know what we're up against, how is that gonna scare us a second time around? And ano- YARGH! . . . Damn alarm clock.